Tuesday, April 1, 2014

THE BEST CAR EVER! 2013 Toyota Camry SE

Look at that sexy beast...so sexy
Have you ever driven a car that makes you think, "This is the best car I have ever driven in my life, yo!" Well, I've got two words and two letters for you: TOYOTA, CAMRY, S, E. Boom! This car is so awesome, they should have added an X and Y to the end of the name and called it the Camry SEXY.

I have to admit, when my fiancee first brought this car back from the Enterprise lot, I thought, "nah, bro, this car is gonna be whack." After spending a few hours with it though, I'm all like, "dude...this car makes me feel super mellow." So here's my review of the 2013 Toyota Camry SE(XY).

Camry SE(XY)
This amazing machine, rides like it floats on a bed of super awesome clouds. If I close my eyes while riding in this thing, I swear, it feels like I'm soaring through the clouds or something crazy like that. I mean, cornering? Who gives a crap about that when you're cruising down the street in your chariot of sexiness, like a black dragon soaring through the air. And that engine? Like the smooth, dulcet tones of Wiz Khalifa. Mmmm...yeah...that's nice...

Oooo...shiny...needs more chrome though

Speaking of nice things, the interior is real nice. If there is one word I would use to describe the interior, it is "shiny." It's like the dudes at Toyota took a bottle of oil and rubbed it all over the plastic stuff in the car, making the inside of the car look like a lubed up body builder. The fabric is a little scratchy, but it's all good. Makes it easy when I need to scratch my back or scratch my ass when I'm driving. Could have used some more chrome too!

Poke the screen, and stuff happens!
The stereo...probably the most bangin' stereo I have ever heard! And that touch screen just makes things super awesome. I mean, you just poke the screen, and stuff happens. Super freaking high tech, amirite? This was the perfect sound system for my Bob Marley albums. Can you imagine, cruising down the street, Bob Marley blasting out of those killer speakers, and poking at that sweet, sweet screen to change tracks and stuff? I mean, shoot, I'd be stupid to not want to ride with someone as cool as that. So awesome...so freaking awesome...

The perfect mob vehicle
And dude! Check out that trunk space! My fiancee got these wooden vegetable crates, or whatever, and put it in the trunk. You could put, like, two and a half of those things in there. I bet I could probably get myself to fit inside there if I curled up like a fetus. Holy crap...this car would be totally perfect for a mob whacking! You can stuff the dead guy's body into the trunk, and no cop would ever pull you over for driving something this awesome. Never! Man, I should totally sell cars to the mob.

I mean, the car isn't totally perfect. There were some loose panels here and there, like who ever previously drove this car decided to hide something in the panels. There is also the distinct smell of skunk throughout the car. It was kind of gross, but I got used to it. I think I'll have to finish this review another time though. My mouth is dry, I'm beginning to feel nauseous, and I swear I just saw a unicorn farting rainbows flying through the air...and I think it may be trying to kill me....

I bet this thing could fly and fart rainbows too if Toyota wanted it to
Oh, and by the way...check the date! The Toyota Camry is actually so bland, water is exciting by comparison. And  yes, my fiancee did receive the car from the rental company with the distinct smell of weed permeating through the cabin, with the smell heaviest in the places where trim pieces were obviously pried out of place. Hmm...mobile bong? Anyway, it was promptly returned and swapped out for a different vehicle once the contact high had worn off.

Tags: April Fools, automotive, Toyota